Growing Up Halo-Halo

 I placed my self worth in the hands of someone else, and I let it break me. I was naive thinking someone could offer me part of a world I've been so desperately trying to be a part of, and that they'd dangle it just out of reach, ready to pull it back.  Left with a feeling that they set it on fire and left you scrambling to hold on to the ashes that remain, a sharp ache in its place. A foolish and futile thought that a singular individual would be the answer to your fragile and fragmented identity issues - if they just let you in and accepted you, chose you, that it would signal something. You would be enough - good enough, Filipino enough, if this one person could care about you and let you in then you would belong. You would fit. Something snapped.  I wrote that back in February and it is now May. Before running to Japan for my planned vacation, I ended up deciding to continue my time abroad.  I came to Asia seeking novelty and new experiences; firsts. Japan is so...

you’ll tell me to speak  say it with my chest  but everything comes out  dripping foreign to you  and you won’t hesitate to make it known  you unleash this imposter in me  still feeling like I’m on a tightrope  at any time my foot will slip and I’ll plunge  hit the rigid, arduous surface of inadequacy   because deep down you’ll never see me  I can see the constant questioning in your eyes  it deepens with every syllable I whisper into the dark  my voice choked by many hands that graze my soul  but dare not venture further  as if afraid to see what lies in wait there  you’ll use pinay against me as much as to praise me  a weapon of choice i have no armour to shield  and I’ll admit defeat even if only to myself  silent and with unbearable weight  I’ll sleep with it like a blanket