Depression(?) and Tagalog Lesson
I haven’t been writing as often as I like, which is obvious based on when I post.
This week has been really tough, and for no apparent reason. I have felt so mentally unwell since Monday and I've only started to feel some sort of relief today.
I have been going home after work and sleeping for the majority of the night. I haven’t eaten a proper meal all week. I’m more irritable/anti social, and today I cried for most of the morning. Very depressed-adjacent (I say this because I am not diagnosed). I even experienced a flare up in anxiety - the kind where you walk through a hallway of people laughing, and think they're all laughing at you, and you hold your breath all the way back to your car, and don't fully inhale-exhale until you get in.
I dreaded today, because I knew I couldn’t go home and cover myself in blankets in the dark.
I had an appointment after work, that I knew would be unpleasant. I always commit to going to Zumba, even if I don’t feel like going, probably because I know I have fun when I actually start.
And then I had a Tagalog lesson, which I didn’t think I had the energy or brain power for.
My Tagalog tutor asked me about how I’m retaining my language lessons (as well as Japanese). I had told her that it’s difficult, because my mom doesn’t live close by, and I haven’t found a Filipino community or friends - so I don’t have the opportunity to use it as I’d like. She seemed surprised and confused by this, and of course this had to launch us into a semi-unwanted conversation.
She told me that as a Filipino, the closer she is to someone, the more she might tease them. And so for someone who doesn’t speak Tagalog, a friend may feel inclined to poke fun, but not in a malicious way.
I then had to explain how frustrating that is for someone who just wants to learn and fit in. I can’t find Filipino friends who will value me as I am, with patience while I navigate a language I was born into but don’t speak. I had to explain that I also get this from my family, who still views me as a foreigner, who questions why I can’t speak the native tongue. I told her that sometimes, it feels like standing at a road that will never end. A road that will never reach a destination. So far and unattainable and I wonder what I’m even doing.
She heard me sniffle.
She said she can’t imagine what it’s like to be half. She assured me she was there to help. She said she wanted to hug me.
We moved on. We reviewed labeling items on a picture.
Aso ito.
Hindi tinapay yan.
I’ve come to acknowledge that people truly don’t understand this experience, unless they are in it themselves. However, I am still working through the feeling of always being misunderstood, by people you wish could just.. Get it.
I opened my blog, writing in hopes the fog will lift. That little black cloud that’s been following me. So unfortunately my thoughts are not clean and organized for this.
My friend told me she recommends I eat my feelings, and that I should have a snack that would bring me happiness. I replied, all I want is sushi (this is commonly what I say when asked about food). She laughed at me. We both knew there was no sushi to be had today. But perhaps that is truly what I need.
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